@Parkerlawyer

My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.

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@amyis_trying

trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive

@longwall26

Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you

@DurtMcHurtt

I bet Yoda was pretty hot before he turned into an old Asian lady.

@lyric_intent

[Bank Robbery]
Robber: KEEP YOUR HANDS UP OR I’LL SHOOT EVERY ONE OF YOU!
*Friends theme begins to play over PA*
*Everyone sweats nervously*

@MoistPork

I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.

@MmeJey

Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.

@PhilJamesson

shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!

me (has no idea what that is or means): good.

@SnarkyMommy78

4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*

Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*

4: don’t want to talk about it anymore