My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
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Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
3% human
97% stress