some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
My 17yo pretends he doesn’t understand how the washer works when I ask him to do the laundry
Congrats, you’re finally a man
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“What color was it?” – Guy that stole your lighter.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
My friend told me to let loose and be reckless today so I walked really fast with a bowl full of hot soup.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.