@McKnightyBoo

My 17yo pretends he doesn’t understand how the washer works when I ask him to do the laundry

Congrats, you’re finally a man

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@UtilityLimb

some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]

@dog_feelings

sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers

@Not0nDrugs

Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.

@Quartzjixler

My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.

The human race is doomed.

@iwearaonesie

wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?

@GinAndJif

Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?

Me: Hogwarts.

@leyawn

a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock

@flaskofwhiskeyy

My friend told me to let loose and be reckless today so I walked really fast with a bowl full of hot soup.