Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place

“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”

Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children

Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids

“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.

5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh

Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget

When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock

How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant

Jogging has never helped my memory.

Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”

When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein

Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.

ME: (dead silent)

ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.

[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.

Sorry for the delay in texting you back. My internet is slow and it takes a week to arrive at your location

Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch

“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”

2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”

My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.

Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time

I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies

he’s mad at me cause i keep replying “🧯” to every girl that comments “🔥” on his pictures

Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41m

Groundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days

The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.

I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.

Especially if you don’t know them.

Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now

If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.

Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU

So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.

Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.