My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
You Might Also Like
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Canada has crack?
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it