@skedaddle74

My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’

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@fakeadultmom

My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.

@ewfeez

Showed my daughter “The Karate Kid” and now she’ll happily do any manual labor if I just tell her we are “training.”

@JessObsess

People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.

@sarcasticmommy4

Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.

@my_minivan_life

“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”

“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”

“That’s cool.”

@Moochava

Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.

@YourAnMoron

It’s pretty impressive that Beethoven could play the piano considering he was a St. Bernard.

@philmann

[me narrating a documentary about narrators]

“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”

@joeljeffrey

Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.

@UnFitz

The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.