@skedaddle74

My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’

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@bush_piglet

Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”

@TweetPotato314

me: hey siri who shot jfk

siri: lee harvey oswald

me: really, i thought it was the cia

siri: *whispers* turn alexa off

@Midgetspar

It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.

Science is a lie.

@brynnester

Me: I got you these

Wife: Self Rising, All Purpose and Wholewheat?

Me: Well you said I never buy you flours

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: I got us a penguin!

WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??

PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.

ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.

@iwearaonesie

wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa

@CornOnTheGoblin

[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?

@Not_a_JesusGirl

Playboy has started a new edition for married men with the same women featuring every month.

@Inferno_V

*starts new diet*

“Do not drink caffeine”

*ends new diet*