My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’

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My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.


Showed my daughter “The Karate Kid” and now she’ll happily do any manual labor if I just tell her we are “training.”


People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.


Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.


“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”

“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”

“That’s cool.”


Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.


It’s pretty impressive that Beethoven could play the piano considering he was a St. Bernard.


[me narrating a documentary about narrators]

“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”


Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.


The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.