Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
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I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
me: hey siri who shot jfk
siri: lee harvey oswald
me: really, i thought it was the cia
siri: *whispers* turn alexa off
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Me: I got you these
Wife: Self Rising, All Purpose and Wholewheat?
Me: Well you said I never buy you flours
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
wife: know what today is?
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Playboy has started a new edition for married men with the same women featuring every month.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*