@fakeadultmom My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
@skedaddle74 My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
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@fakeadultmom 
@ewfeez Showed my daughter “The Karate Kid” and now she’ll happily do any manual labor if I just tell her we are “training.”
@JessObsess People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
@sarcasticmommy4 Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
@my_minivan_life “Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
@Moochava Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
@YourAnMoron It’s pretty impressive that Beethoven could play the piano considering he was a St. Bernard.
@philmann [me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
@joeljeffrey Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
@UnFitz The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.