@Parkerlawyer

My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”

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@CrockettForReal

Them: who ya gonna call

Me: ghostbusters

Them: sweet, what’s the number

Me: they didn’t say

@Kids_kubed

Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.

I’m going to need help writing his obituary.

@slimmy_shady

If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.

@dad_nit

Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.

@thepunningman

Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]

@skittle624

I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.

@LlamaInaTux

Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes

Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-

Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one

Me:

Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards

@ohen39

alien: take us to your leader
me: hold on I’ll go get him
[a few minutes later]
alien: you gotta be kidding me
me: *wearing a mustache* hello

@vladchoc

Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you

@omgthatspunny

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn’t concentrate.