My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”

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Them: who ya gonna call

Me: ghostbusters

Them: sweet, what’s the number

Me: they didn’t say


Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.

I’m going to need help writing his obituary.


If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.


Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.


Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]


I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.


Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes

Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-

Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one


Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards


alien: take us to your leader
me: hold on I’ll go get him
[a few minutes later]
alien: you gotta be kidding me
me: *wearing a mustache* hello


Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you


My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn’t concentrate.