My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
You Might Also Like
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Would you wear it?
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family