@Parkerlawyer

My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”

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@Kevaclysm

New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you

@SoVeryBritish

“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you

@TheBoydP

It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”

@BruceForce

When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”

~ It’s all about the empathy.

@AGreaterMonster

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that the best career choice is divorce lawyer.

@salamingia

$50 says Jesus rose from the dead to clear his browser history.

@pstamato

“What if something fell off your glass every time you picked it up? That’d be great.”
– The inventor of coasters

@MissBamantha

Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!

He’s my kinda people.

@PleaseBeGneiss

ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down

VET: that’s illegal

ME: yes I said that

@AimeeHelene1

Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.

Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.

Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.