@Parkerlawyer

My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”

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@FreckleMcPickle

Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.

@MondayPajamas

Her: I think my IUD came loose and is floating around in there

Me: C’mere, I drop my guitar pick in the sound hole all the time, no problem

@PaperWash

Noah build an ark

“what? why”

I’m gunna flood the earth

“just give me fish powers”

[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!

@C00LpenNAME

Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…

it’s the thought that counts

@XplodingUnicorn

How to meet a girl:

1) Walk into a bar.

2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”

3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.

@FredTaming

me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?

her: wedding attire?

me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man

@theshamingofjay

I change Siri to a man’s voice and now it doesn’t answer any more questions and turns off for hours

@SoulYodeler

Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?

@ItsAndyRyan

Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days

@refinedrednec

I have a way with words. It’s the wrong way but it’s still a way.