My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”

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Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.


Her: I think my IUD came loose and is floating around in there

Me: C’mere, I drop my guitar pick in the sound hole all the time, no problem


Noah build an ark

“what? why”

I’m gunna flood the earth

“just give me fish powers”

[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!


Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…

it’s the thought that counts


How to meet a girl:

1) Walk into a bar.

2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”

3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.


me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?

her: wedding attire?

me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man


I change Siri to a man’s voice and now it doesn’t answer any more questions and turns off for hours


Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?


Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days


I have a way with words. It’s the wrong way but it’s still a way.