[my 1st day as crime scene investigator]
detective: “how did this man drown?”
me: “he could not breathe underwater”

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professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have super vision

professor x: oh?

mom: stop talking to strangers


Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.


Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?



WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?

TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks


[lava kids playing in a volcano]

“the floor is linoleum!”


[guy who’s about to invent parties]

*drinking alone* i wish this was worse


I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.


SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
CAESAR: say 15th then