@ellewasamistake
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
@KeetPotato
[my 1st day as crime scene investigator]
detective: “how did this man drown?”
me: “he could not breathe underwater”
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@ellewasamistake
@darksidedeb
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
@KateWhineHall
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
@MissBamantha
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
@daemonic3
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
@goldengateblond
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
@TheHyyyype
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
@robots_feel
[guy who’s about to invent parties]
*drinking alone* i wish this was worse
@DocAtCDI
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
@fro_vo
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then