Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
You Might Also Like
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.