@KeetPotato

[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy

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@QwertyJones3

[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.

@sofarrsogud

I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.

After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.

@GrantTanaka

My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions

@OneFunnyMummy

Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.

@DanaSchwartzzz

ME: lololol can’t believe my parents don’t understand how to attach a document to an email lolol

ALSO ME: what is taxes help i am so confused and also the only thing I can cook is popcorn

@Mechaniz10

You seem like the type of person who wears a helmet when you go jogging.

@AJslackie2

Her: i’m in the mood

Me: me too

Her: wanna do it

Me: oh yeah baby

[we drive to Home Depot to look at paint]

@JimmySelfDest

Fight club. Only naps instead. Rules the same. Just no fights. Only secret, uninterrupted glorious naps.