@KeetPotato

[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”

You Might Also Like

@MissSassy_Pants

Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.

Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.

Me: But not the basement, right?

@LurkAtHomeMom

My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*

Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*

@UnFitz

A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.

@ChaseMit

Just saw a guy riding a skateboard, holding a surfboard. Dunno where he’s going but I assume there’s Mountain Dew there.

@Marlebean

“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.

@Mr_Kapowski

Got a case for my iPhone even though the screen is already cracked. So basically it’s like putting a condom on my kid’s head.

@Hobo_Splendido

The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.

@MikeMcNeil_

Sorry I threw rice at the coffin. I don’t get invited to much.

@Go2Slp

How to get laid:

HAHAHA you guys thought I get laid for a second there.