Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
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My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Just saw a guy riding a skateboard, holding a surfboard. Dunno where he’s going but I assume there’s Mountain Dew there.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Oh thanks BBC.
Got a case for my iPhone even though the screen is already cracked. So basically it’s like putting a condom on my kid’s head.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Sorry I threw rice at the coffin. I don’t get invited to much.
How to get laid:
HAHAHA you guys thought I get laid for a second there.