[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
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A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Posting this on behalf of a friend
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
I cannot stop laughing at this
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig