[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”

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Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.

Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.

Me: But not the basement, right?


My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*

Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*


A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.


Just saw a guy riding a skateboard, holding a surfboard. Dunno where he’s going but I assume there’s Mountain Dew there.


“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.


Got a case for my iPhone even though the screen is already cracked. So basically it’s like putting a condom on my kid’s head.


The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.


Sorry I threw rice at the coffin. I don’t get invited to much.


How to get laid:

HAHAHA you guys thought I get laid for a second there.