My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
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Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
“Did you hear there’s a Scottish pupil allowed to identify as wolf?”
‘Omg. Where?’
“No, just a normal wolf I think.”
GUYS.
For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.
TWO SEPERATE MEN.
TWO YEARS GUYS.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn