My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
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I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Möther may I have a snäck