MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
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HUB: Yep. He’s livin the dream
HUB: His dream not mine
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
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Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
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To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
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A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”