Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
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“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.