@XplodingUnicorn

My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.

I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.

Just kidding.

I moved the damn towel.

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@ItsAndyRyan

Countries whose names are lies:

• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom

@patnspankme

One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.

@Home_Halfway

WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: My experiences with you lead to an increase in dopamine and oxytocin as well

@JenniferJokes

Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.

@andylassner

At least once a day I say “nice to meet you” to someone I’ve already met which is a great feeling for all involved.

@karanbirtinna

Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.

Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.

@greek_heanen

The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater

@KentWGraham

I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.

@amandajpanda

I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.