My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
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Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.