When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
My 2 year old wanted to race me home from daycare and I am TOTALLY winning. I don’t even see her tricycle in my rear-view mirror.
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Overheard in my dorm, from the hallway: “Dude, are those tearaway pants?” *ripping sound* “DUDE THAT’S SO COOL”
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
*date leans in* Tell me something I don’t know about you.
*I lean in* I have a french fry in my pocket.