My 2 yo is currently having the biggest tantrum I’ve ever seen! He’s mad I will not let him open & eat the box of candy* he found.


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I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.


WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you

[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]

ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run


Earlier today I thought I needed a divorce but it turns out I was just hungry.


[ riding into battle ]



He thought I wore a size two.

A size two?!

I started laughing so hard, I spit out the donut I was eating.


mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?


My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.



Me: You and me baby

Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?

Me: so let’s do it….?

Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!

Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*


When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?


[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine