I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
My 2 yo is currently having the biggest tantrum I’ve ever seen! He’s mad I will not let him open & eat the box of candy* he found.
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WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Earlier today I thought I needed a divorce but it turns out I was just hungry.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
He thought I wore a size two.
A size two?!
I started laughing so hard, I spit out the donut I was eating.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine