i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
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In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
And that about sums it up.
We like the way Dwight thinks
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.