@mamamia6212

My 2 yo is currently having the biggest tantrum I’ve ever seen! He’s mad I will not let him open & eat the box of candy* he found.

*tampons

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@TheOutli3R

Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.

@therepoguy

“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”

Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”

@kumailn

[God making trees]
God: “They’re alive but not. Every now & then they drop food.”
Angel: “I don’t–”
God: “Also they breathe the opposite.”

@ojedge

I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.

I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.

@Vj_Phresh

I’m so broke right now, if my gf leaves me for a richer person I’m going with them -__-

@LoveNLunchmeat

You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.

@robin_991

Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids

@the_anastasia

My friend is so stupid she thought Alabama is a city. Don’t worry, I informed her Alabama is the president.