[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
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Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]