FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
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when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
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Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.