My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
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*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
You can’t rush stupid.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this