@LoriLuvsShoes

My 21yr old son: “Mom sometimes I think you only had me for the free, lifetime tech support”

*slow wink*

My 21yr old son: “Mom sometimes I think you only had me for the free, lifetime tech support”

*slow wink*

- @LoriLuvsShoes

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@friendly_moon

[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”

@NintenDom

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.

@MattTheBrand

cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest

@WilliamAder

Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.

@JohnLyonTweets

“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me

@imteddybless

us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour

@Ahhmandah

it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day

@TheHyyyype

[first day in prison]

ME: so whatcha in for?

HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions

ME: how many is too many?

HUGE CELLMATE: one

ME: oh no

@sarcasticmommy4

A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.

On the way to school.