@LoriLuvsShoes

My 21yr old son: “Mom sometimes I think you only had me for the free, lifetime tech support”

*slow wink*

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@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a cat.

Cat: yay!

God: you really love the humans.

Cat: yeah I do!

God: but you don’t express your feelings very well.

Cat: oh no! what should I do?

God: try giving them gifts.

[later]

Human: is-is that a dead bird?

Cat: [happy whisper] I love you so much!

@BrettDruck

Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.

@JaneBadall

“I’d hit that.” Clearly what my head thinks about cupboard doors and other hard surfaces when I least expect it.

@jazmasta

DOC: We think you may have a phobia of marriage. Do you know what the symptoms are?
ME: Can’t say I do
DOC: That’s one of the symptoms, yes.

@Brentweets

If you can’t handle me at my worst that makes sense and I’m sorry for setting your house on fire.

@hipchkk

In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.

Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.

@meghaffer

Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date

@AmandaDuberman

Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.

@dave_cactus

ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.