My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
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Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope