@MourningGlory_

My 22-year-old cousin: My biggest fear in life is that I won’t make a difference, that I’ll be insignificant.

Me: It’s really not that bad

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@cornlog

So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.

@realfunghi

Bird: Good morning! How are you?

Me: Oh my God! You can talk!

Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.

@EndhooS

Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?

@MartinMurtagh

Laying in bed with the wife last night, she asked “what would you like to do most to my body?””identify it” probably wasnt the right answer

@omgthatspunny

Why don’t seagulls fly by the bay? Because then they would be called Bagels!

@T_Bonezzz_

[ First Date ]

Her: OMG, I’ve been talking about myself all night. Tell me a little bit about yourself..

Me: HODOR…

@not_delicate

Me: I close my office door every day and nap for an hour without anyone noticing.

Interviewer: I’m not sure I’d call that a ‘strength.’

@JaneBadall

My son just paced back and forth dictating his letter to Santa like a high-powered CEO.

Forget Prada, the Devil wears Ironman pyjamas.

@FeelingEuphoric

[coffee shop]

BARISTA: may i help you?

GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water