@cornlog
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
@MourningGlory_
My 22-year-old cousin: My biggest fear in life is that I won’t make a difference, that I’ll be insignificant.
Me: It’s really not that bad
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@cornlog
@realfunghi
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
@EndhooS
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
@MartinMurtagh
Laying in bed with the wife last night, she asked “what would you like to do most to my body?””identify it” probably wasnt the right answer
@omgthatspunny
Why don’t seagulls fly by the bay? Because then they would be called Bagels!
@T_Bonezzz_
[ First Date ]
Her: OMG, I’ve been talking about myself all night. Tell me a little bit about yourself..
Me: HODOR…
@vapidaccount
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
@not_delicate
Me: I close my office door every day and nap for an hour without anyone noticing.
Interviewer: I’m not sure I’d call that a ‘strength.’
@JaneBadall
My son just paced back and forth dictating his letter to Santa like a high-powered CEO.
Forget Prada, the Devil wears Ironman pyjamas.
@FeelingEuphoric
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: youβre out of sugar water