My 22-year-old cousin: My biggest fear in life is that I won’t make a difference, that I’ll be insignificant.

Me: It’s really not that bad

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For Sale:

baby shoes, never worn.

too small.

should have bought adult shoes.


I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.


My therapist says it’s ok for me to cry in public as long as I wear clothes


Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented


[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen


This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.


HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over

ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over


Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.

Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.


Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.


Wife: Have u done anything today?

Me: Rode my bike on the back tire down the street

Wife: Wheelie?

Me: Yes, really, and cut the baby talk