@MourningGlory_

My 22-year-old cousin: My biggest fear in life is that I won’t make a difference, that I’ll be insignificant.

Me: It’s really not that bad

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@_elvishpresley_

For Sale:

baby shoes, never worn.

too small.

should have bought adult shoes.

@jollyrobber

I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.

@brynnester

My therapist says it’s ok for me to cry in public as long as I wear clothes

@AnkCoupleTO

Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented

@tastefactory

[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.

@KalvinMacleod

HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over

ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over

@CanadianBeave13

Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.

Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.

@junejuly12

Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.

@Sickayduh

Wife: Have u done anything today?

Me: Rode my bike on the back tire down the street

Wife: Wheelie?

Me: Yes, really, and cut the baby talk