So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
My 22-year-old cousin: My biggest fear in life is that I won’t make a difference, that I’ll be insignificant.
Me: It’s really not that bad
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Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Laying in bed with the wife last night, she asked “what would you like to do most to my body?””identify it” probably wasnt the right answer
Why don’t seagulls fly by the bay? Because then they would be called Bagels!
[ First Date ]
Her: OMG, I’ve been talking about myself all night. Tell me a little bit about yourself..
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Me: I close my office door every day and nap for an hour without anyone noticing.
Interviewer: I’m not sure I’d call that a ‘strength.’
My son just paced back and forth dictating his letter to Santa like a high-powered CEO.
Forget Prada, the Devil wears Ironman pyjamas.
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water