@_elvishpresley_
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
@MourningGlory_
My 22-year-old cousin: My biggest fear in life is that I won’t make a difference, that I’ll be insignificant.
Me: It’s really not that bad
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@_elvishpresley_
@jollyrobber
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
@brynnester
My therapist says it’s ok for me to cry in public as long as I wear clothes
@AnkCoupleTO
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
@tastefactory
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
@JimmerThatisAll
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
@KalvinMacleod
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
@CanadianBeave13
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
@junejuly12
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
@Sickayduh
Wife: Have u done anything today?
Me: Rode my bike on the back tire down the street
Wife: Wheelie?
Me: Yes, really, and cut the baby talk