[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
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[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
are they though??
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.