My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
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I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*