@daddydoubts

My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”

And so, I am never going to work again.

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@rockymomax

DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?

@semple42

She danced her way into his heart.

-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.

@UnFitz

“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.

@spaceboyriley

Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called

@SlenderSherbet

“are you following me?”

“no. just scratching my ear”

“DUDE”

“I WASN’T”

@slaughthie

My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much

@wandering_leaf9

*Me & dog*
*duel for the last piece of chicken*
*tosses a stick to distract*
*fetches the stick*
*chicken is gone*

Well played Peanut…!!

@thepaulahunt

I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.

@TheAndrewNadeau

When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.

Me: Same.