My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
You Might Also Like
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.