@jessokfine

My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”

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@kathybotteas

Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”

@sarcasm_inc

*leans into microphone*
My question is for Salt-N-Pepa.
“Hi” “Hey”
Hi.”Push It” is about takin a dump, right?
“No” “Nope”
*hands friend $5*

@Quartzjixler

Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.

@DadandBuried

My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.

@amazymay72x

no, dont go there

dont touch that

no, leave it alone

keep your hands off!

a typical morning with my 3yo (or pissed off with my husband)

@EndhooS

Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*

@poutinesmoothie

I am having fish and chips for lunch.

*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*

@jilleb163

I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.

@ch000ch

mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.

@JustMeTurtle

My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.