Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
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Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Happy thanksgiving
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”