My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn't, that she is a toddler. She replied, "No, I'm a grown up. I'm going to touch knives."

My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”

Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”

*leans into microphone*
My question is for Salt-N-Pepa.
“Hi” “Hey”
Hi.”Push It” is about takin a dump, right?
“No” “Nope”
*hands friend $5*

Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.

My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.

no, dont go there

dont touch that

no, leave it alone

keep your hands off!

a typical morning with my 3yo (or pissed off with my husband)

Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*

I am having fish and chips for lunch.

*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*

I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.

mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.

My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.

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