@jessokfine

My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”

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@NewDadNotes

[NASA March 1970]

Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?

NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!

[NASA April 1970]

[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]

@bonehugsnirony

[someone compliments me]
Me: thanks
Brain: act weird around them and ruin everything
Me: please don’t
Brain: lol yes

@Home_Halfway

DATE: Say hi to my family. This is my mom
ME: This is your mom? She looks like she’d be your sister!
DATE’S MOM: Aww stop it
DATE: This is my grandma
ME: This is your grandma? She looks like she’s 5
DATE’S GRANDMA: What
DATE: This is my great grandma
ME: She doesn’t look born yet

@Lazer_Cat_

These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.

@LurkAtHomeMom

5: How come we never do anything fun?

Me: We went to an amusement park..

5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago

Me: It was yesterday

@SincerelyMen

If you think meeting your girlfriends parents is hard just remember? Someone is going to try to date Eminems daughter

@pineapplepleas

I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.

@turtledumplin

8yo: mommy how old are you?

Me: 46

8yo: *blink blink* so you seen a real dinosaur?

@truegritrumble

ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.

CO-PILOT: …What?