@NewDadNotes
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
@jessokfine
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
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@NewDadNotes
@bonehugsnirony
[someone compliments me]
Me: thanks
Brain: act weird around them and ruin everything
Me: please don’t
Brain: lol yes
@Home_Halfway
DATE: Say hi to my family. This is my mom
ME: This is your mom? She looks like she’d be your sister!
DATE’S MOM: Aww stop it
DATE: This is my grandma
ME: This is your grandma? She looks like she’s 5
DATE’S GRANDMA: What
DATE: This is my great grandma
ME: She doesn’t look born yet
@Lazer_Cat_
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
@LurkAtHomeMom
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
@perfect_messs
Me: I’ve totally got this.
Narrator: Oh this ought to be good.
@SincerelyMen
If you think meeting your girlfriends parents is hard just remember? Someone is going to try to date Eminems daughter
@pineapplepleas
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
@turtledumplin
8yo: mommy how old are you?
Me: 46
8yo: *blink blink* so you seen a real dinosaur?
@truegritrumble
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?