My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
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After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist