Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
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I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
I blow-dried my hair, now it looks like the mane of a majestic lion who is really good at video games
GOD: a rat dog
GOD: that whispers to white people
GOD: about the weather
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Me? Yes, of course I have feelings! Last Sunday, for example, I dropped a piece of bacon on the floor. I just stared and cried for 18 mins
hulk hogan: can i get a taco brother
scientist: that’s not possible
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.