My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
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Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.