My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.

He’s going to be a terrible business owner.

But an incredible mob boss.

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[on a first date]

Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…

Her: I had a great time, good night!

Me: *runs in front of her car


[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]


Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”


[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie


According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”


Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching


If I won a billion dollars, I’d help so many people. I’d help them into my deadly tank of man eating sharks under my evil lair.


How dare Beyonce bring symbols of past racial strife into popular music performance!!


*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*

ME: Hon, wtf?

HER: push up bra