My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.

He’s going to be a terrible business owner.

But an incredible mob boss.

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Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk


Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.


Good day to everyone except people that pronounce wolves as “wolfs”.


The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.


“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”

– me whenever my wife sings while driving.


Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels


No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.


I accidentally started this account when I was looking for a banana bread recipe and things have gone horribly wrong.