My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
You Might Also Like
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Can’t, holding a grudge
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”