My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
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Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
#StillHurts
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Basically.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered