My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
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*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”