My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.

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Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.


BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.


Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.


Can’t wait to get my first kiss this Christmas under the missile toe 😘😂


If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.


If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.


I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.


There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD

1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II

2) Smork Dirtbag


As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.


7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?

Me: Dad.

7: Then how come you look older?

Me: Santa’s not real.