@_SingleBabyMama

My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.

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@trumpetcake

Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.

@TeaPartyCat

BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.

@leftarmisme

Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.

@omgthatspunny

Can’t wait to get my first kiss this Christmas under the missile toe 😘😂

@TheHatdog

If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.

@Kyle_Lippert

If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.

@TigNotaro

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.

@delsinsfire

There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD

1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II

2) Smork Dirtbag

@IAmKatieOrr

As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.

@mommajessiec

7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?

Me: Dad.

7: Then how come you look older?

Me: Santa’s not real.