My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
You Might Also Like
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.