me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
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🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy