Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
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Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
PLEASE READ
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.