@HomeWithPeanut

My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.

3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”

So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?

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@scottthetwat

Homes are 750 square feet larger today than they were 30 years ago. Unfortunately, so are most Americans.

@TheWeirdWorld

Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.

@OctopusCaveman

Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information

Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.

@TheToddWilliams

[spelling bee]

“Your word is stupid”

ME: Well give me a different one then

“No, that’s your word…stupid”

ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one

@AtticusFinch79

[taking a walk with mom]

Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*

Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.

@Smug_Lemur

What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.

@ObscureGent

Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.

@Reverend_Scott

SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?

DAD: Wouldn’t be fair

SON: Why not?

DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy

@daemonic3

wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices

me: ok let’s start tomorrow

[next day]

me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home

wife: oh my god! [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!