Anyway here’s Wonderwall
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
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Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok let’s start tomorrow
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: oh my god! [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!