*4yo comes in from garden with worm*
Wife: TAKE IT AWAY!!!
*4yo puts on top hat as I throw him a cane and starts tap dancing*
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
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To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
If you cut off my head I’ll continue eating for two more days.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE