@HenpeckedHal

My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.

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@teenpuke

do you qualify to be my crush? *pulls out list* *checks off has a beating heart* yup you qualify

@GrabTheWEness

I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.

@shegotagronk

It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”

@NewDadNotes

Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?

Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!

@Mr_Kapowski

8 year old daughter: I wish I had been born a twin

Me: You were a very hungry fetus-

Wife: Ok that’s enough time with Dad for today

@prufrockluvsong

learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar

@Parkerlawyer

My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.

LAUGHING.

When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.

@MarfSalvador

him: *dying* avenge me

[later]

widow: ok who put him in the thor costume