My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.

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do you qualify to be my crush? *pulls out list* *checks off has a beating heart* yup you qualify


I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.


It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”


Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?

Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!


8 year old daughter: I wish I had been born a twin

Me: You were a very hungry fetus-

Wife: Ok that’s enough time with Dad for today


learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar


My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.


When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.


him: *dying* avenge me


widow: ok who put him in the thor costume