My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
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Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
San Francisco has too many rules
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself