My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
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*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
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Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
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I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
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… and other lies I tell
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Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
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BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
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This could be us… but you playing
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.