@XplodingUnicorn

My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.

Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”

Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”

You Might Also Like

@ItsDanSheehan

When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”

@kailaniskye

my 14 year old sister posted on snap “sucks to see someone else enjoying the man you built” LMAO

@sofarrsogud

My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.

@KeetPotato

me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith

@Skoog

[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]

me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time

shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?

me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe

@KKAlThani

Owls always look like they’ve just found out that they’ve been cheated on.

@Eightinchgoat

Everything I know about picking up women, I learned from Pepé Le Pew.

@DanMentos

“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”