My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
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When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
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