My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
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Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Awesome parenting 😂
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.