My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
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Can. I. Help. You.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”