My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.

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Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”


All I wanna do is *gun shot* *gun shot* *gun shot* *cash register noise* *goat sounds* *mousetrap explodes* wake up from this weird dream.


[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.


Look, I might not take a bullet for you but I’d push someone else in front of you which is practically the same thing.


Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…


Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.


Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird

Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted


Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength


I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away


Two squirrels are fighting to the death in my bird feeder right now and I think I’m finally ready to get rid of cable TV