@Brianhopecomedy

My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.

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@GrantTanaka

Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”

@ddrwg

All I wanna do is *gun shot* *gun shot* *gun shot* *cash register noise* *goat sounds* *mousetrap explodes* wake up from this weird dream.

@mrjohndarby

[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.

@KKAlThani

Look, I might not take a bullet for you but I’d push someone else in front of you which is practically the same thing.

@notalogin

Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…

@teddywah

Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.

@ArfMeasures

Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird

Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted

@hardlyrelevant

Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG

@WheelTod

I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away

@portmanteauface

Two squirrels are fighting to the death in my bird feeder right now and I think I’m finally ready to get rid of cable TV