My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
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[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
🤣😈🤣
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?