@MrGirlDad

My 3-year-old just said she hates me, but to be fair I DID cut her sandwich incorrectly.

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@OllyiConic

me: hit that tree with your fist

hitman: that’s not what i do

me: hundred bucks

hitman: no

me: will you punch a house

@LuckoftheDraw86

In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.

@ch000ch

[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man

@okimstillhungry

Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.

@bazecraze

Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.

@UnFitz

10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?

Me: Well, son …

[to be continued]

@PaulKaloper

ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.

@ComradTwitty

I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.

@SadieSkyNinja

If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.

In related news, I just broke up with my mom