me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
me: will you punch a house
My 3-year-old just said she hates me, but to be fair I DID cut her sandwich incorrectly.
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In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom