my 3 year old kept saying she “wants a spirit guest & needs a spirit guest” and “has a spirit guest” and like 4 exorcisms later, i realized she was just talking about asparagus.

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One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master


When I’m looking for a parking spot I turn the radio down because clearly I can see better when it’s quieter…


“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”

Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*


Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer


Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.


last Christmas I gave you my heart/and the very next day you texted me “k”


Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.


If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.


[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*