[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
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The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO