@dumbbeezie
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
@XplodingUnicorn
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
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@dumbbeezie
@carlyken
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
@Intooblivion3
Before I rip these panties off you I gotta ask. Are they Victoria’s Secret or Wal-Mart? It’s important cause I’m on a budget and I’ll feel obligated to replace them.
@Topcat_007
New superhero: The Delegator
“This looks like a job for… Someone Else!”
@BobTheSuit
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
@waveymaree
I love twitter
@IamEveryDayPpl
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
@RandiLawson
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
@JimmerThatisAll
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
@iRowlf
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.