@XplodingUnicorn

My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.

It made walls invisible, too.

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@Ignorant_Indian

People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?

@TextyRuxpin

How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?

…. And they didn’t even like it.

@Jenny4ashley

My daughter loves all the toys she sees in commercials. So of course I have to tell her they don’t exist in real life, just on tv.

@girlontapas

Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”

My oldest bra can smoke now.

@torrami

My parents and teachers told me I could be whatever I wanted to be but I’m 28 years old now and I’m still not a crime-fighting mermaid 🙁

@juneohara65

I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.

@iLikeCatShirts

Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?

@Lunatic_times

It might be a sign you have a drinking problem when the cashier at the liquor store asks if you own a bar.

@TheRealNickKay

[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me