My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
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Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁