People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
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How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
My daughter loves all the toys she sees in commercials. So of course I have to tell her they don’t exist in real life, just on tv.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”
My oldest bra can smoke now.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
My parents and teachers told me I could be whatever I wanted to be but I’m 28 years old now and I’m still not a crime-fighting mermaid 🙁
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
It might be a sign you have a drinking problem when the cashier at the liquor store asks if you own a bar.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me