@XplodingUnicorn

My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.

It made walls invisible, too.

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@UncleDuke1969

HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”

@MarlonBrandNO

I studied abroad for a year. But she got really creeped out and moved away.

@freedom2726

No. YOU misunderstood. I said I’ve been doing this for awhile. I never said I was any good at it.

@ThatsSoCorri

me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt

bf: ur what

me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok

bf: the what

me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—

bf: wh—

me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy

@GoldenSpirals

‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,

you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.

@Biraahwa

Friend: Do you have a bird problem?
Me: No.
Friend: Why is there a scare crow in your compound.
Me: Oh that? That’s for people.

@bobvulfov

[a dolphin kisses me at sea world]
ME: so like what are we

@pmclellan

My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.

@audipenny

Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them

@Dustinkcouch

uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility

peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs

uncle ben (scared): ok.