Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
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“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
Before I rip these panties off you I gotta ask. Are they Victoria’s Secret or Wal-Mart? It’s important cause I’m on a budget and I’ll feel obligated to replace them.
New superhero: The Delegator
“This looks like a job for… Someone Else!”
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
I love twitter
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Me: Top desk drawer.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.