My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.

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If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff


Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!


I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.


A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.


I’m in charge of eight kids tonight. No big deal though I can be really responsib–

I’m in charge of seven kids tonight. No big deal though


8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.

Me: It looks the same as before.

8: I added more snacks.

Finally, some meaningful renovations.


therapist: one way to handle criticism is by trying to engage in a healthy dialogue to understand their thoughts

me: ok


me: [over the loud laughter of teens] and why exactly am i a poop ass


Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?

Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.


According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying