My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
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Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.