@TheCiscoKidder

My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.

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@Jn1fer

*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall

*adds work phone number

*Gets excited about work today

@andylassner

CNN reporting that CNN will be reporting something on CNN.
Tune in to CNN for all of the up-to-the-minute stuff CNN is reporting.

@professorkiosk

The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.

@drewjanda

Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither

@MacAnnabella

Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.

@tweetsvisual

Arugala is my favorite vegetable that sounds like it’s drowning.

@dreamsinchocola

When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.

@Marlebean

I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.