@TheCiscoKidder
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
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@awordforaword
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
@thepunningman
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
@roxiqt
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
@JohnLyonTweets
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
@seagullski
I’m in charge of eight kids tonight. No big deal though I can be really responsib–
I’m in charge of seven kids tonight. No big deal though
@XplodingUnicorn
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
@Shen_the_Bird
therapist: one way to handle criticism is by trying to engage in a healthy dialogue to understand their thoughts
me: ok
[later]
me: [over the loud laughter of teens] and why exactly am i a poop ass
@ThugRaccoons
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
@ItsDanSheehan
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying