My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.

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*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall

*adds work phone number

*Gets excited about work today


CNN reporting that CNN will be reporting something on CNN.
Tune in to CNN for all of the up-to-the-minute stuff CNN is reporting.


The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.


Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither


Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.


Arugala is my favorite vegetable that sounds like it’s drowning.


When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.


I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.