This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
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[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.